I'm trying to figure out what's bothering me the most about the whole thing.
Because even though I feel allright at the moment I know myself well enough, that I just push everything aside to deal with it in another lifetime, though it doesn't necessarely last that long.
Or maybe it will pass with just a light, uneasy feeling in my chest on and off for a few more days.
It's like a membrane around the whole thing,
like when you drink alcohol and follow it with cream to keep it all intact,
but all you need is a dash of orange juice and the whole fasade will collaps and intoxicate you.

That's exactly how it will be I think.
I narrowed it down to the fact that it bothers me that I never got a real person you know,
I got scraps - if even that.
Even though I was in a position to get the best part.
I was supposed to get the best parts and I guess that's why you stick around longer than you might have wanted to, because you wait for your promotion in someones emotional life.
And then you never did, even though you really should have..like really really? If someone is great. You should have.

When they tell you things that make you believe you are on top of the stair but their actions tell you the difference and that's pretty unfair if you ask me.
And I only got scraps, I was the only one who got scraps
and instead of getting that promotion I worked so hard for months, I get emotionally fired instead.
I don't fail that's the thing.
I don't get D's on my tests, I'm stubborn and I don't give up
and I don't get emotionally fired from the bottom of the employee chart.
Screw emotions and love - This is a failure and I don't flipping fail and that is why I'm angry.

Fucking people, right?