Portfolio
I'm going through maybe 800 gb of photos to see which ones are worthy of a spot in my portfolio
when you go through 7 years worth of photos you also go through 7 years of relationships.
Is it weird to miss all of them in a way?
I'm also discovering a lot of unpublished photos I really oversaw back in the day.
Popping Pills
Just finished watching a BBC documentary that only scratches the surface on the controversy around pill popping.
It didn't go as deep as I would like it to but maybe it's soft enough to ease some stupid people to start thinking outside the box.
Then again the documentary was filled with like 60 year olds seriously thinking they would be dead if it weren't for the averade of 5 pills a day they were taking, Like that we weren't meant to be older than that (you know instead of just eating healthy)
Which is stupid.
Stupid stupid stupid.
People were also asked a question if you could create a pill that would fix anything no one said: Stupidity.
I'd go with that one.
Or the fat woman who's addicted to painkillers cause of pain and I'm like. Well..
if you tried losing 50% of your body weight you might be in less pain, that's a good start.
No Doctor wouldn't say that of course, because that MIGHT be offending.
Could say a lot more about the documentary but just thought I would get that off my chest. Since nobody reads this blog anyway so I can just talk to myself in a creepy way, in English, by myself.
Otherwise I managed to work 35 hours in 3 days which feels good but my body is battered and broken. I haven't used my legs in 2 months and before that I had a job where I sat down for over 8 hours and then took a bus for 2 hours a day so the occasional use of my legs was going to the bar. Where I sat down. I guess I haven't used my legs since The Academy/The Ambassador and If I remember it right.
My sister says it will pass after a month or so. But it's pretty sick that I've let myself go that much. That I'd be in unbelievable pain after standing up more than 5 hours a day. Pathetic!
Also I had a slip in my whole - try to eat Vegan as much as possible (it happens on occasion that I have chocolate, because the vegan chocolate at the store is way too expensive) but shoving down a tuna bagel and a chicken wrap is more than a slip. But at the same time its perfetly fine food going in the bin. And I did manage to not eat meat for about 5 months now. So I probably won't get cancer and die.
Also I had a slip in my whole - try to eat Vegan as much as possible (it happens on occasion that I have chocolate, because the vegan chocolate at the store is way too expensive) but shoving down a tuna bagel and a chicken wrap is more than a slip. But at the same time its perfetly fine food going in the bin. And I did manage to not eat meat for about 5 months now. So I probably won't get cancer and die.
Also a facebook post from Vegan Power fitness showed up on my feed which said: Sometimes you just have to press the restart button and try again.
My conscious took a turn though. Also today I have a headache for the first time in over 5 months and I can feel a cold coming on. That happened last time I had somethig animal based too. Should be enough to get me back on track. A reminder that I would normally have intense headaches that could last for upto 2 weeks.
Not having meat for that is worth it. Without doubt.
My conscious took a turn though. Also today I have a headache for the first time in over 5 months and I can feel a cold coming on. That happened last time I had somethig animal based too. Should be enough to get me back on track. A reminder that I would normally have intense headaches that could last for upto 2 weeks.
Not having meat for that is worth it. Without doubt.
Too bad more people don't realise it.
Slow
I decided to continue with this blog even though I don't live in Dublin anymore.
Not that I wrote a lot for an entire year in Dublin but it's kind of fun to look through. Now what should I call Stavanger? Schena Stavanger. Schabba Stavanger. Sassy Stavanger. Sodding Stavanger. Slobby Stavanger. Saggy Stavanger. Splendid Stavanger. Super Stavanger. Secret Stavanger. Slow Stavanger. Definately Slow Stavanger.
In this exact moment I wonder why I don't just pack my things and go back. Well money is always the answer. But I mean it's been 5 weeks and I haven't started working yet and I have no motivation to get work in this city but then again have no capital to start all over in Dublin when waiting for a job. But at the same time my creativity is coming back to me. I want to take photos but it's frustrating cause I have no one to take pictures of. I should write it all down at least so I have it in case I run into a depraved soul like myself who would want to do more than just take standard portraits.
I'm sick of doubting myself. If so many others can make it so can I, I just wish I knew how to start. But I can definately do it. Maybe in January it's time. If I start working a little. I have my eyes on a new lens. Until then I can just continue thinking until my brain explodes.
Kate Nash
The George with the ladies.
Photos from my walk home from work.
Eurovision last weekend
Dear desperate Dublin
I'm trying to figure out what's bothering me the most about the whole thing.
Because even though I feel allright at the moment I know myself well enough, that I just push everything aside to deal with it in another lifetime, though it doesn't necessarely last that long.
Or maybe it will pass with just a light, uneasy feeling in my chest on and off for a few more days.
It's like a membrane around the whole thing,
like when you drink alcohol and follow it with cream to keep it all intact,
but all you need is a dash of orange juice and the whole fasade will collaps and intoxicate you.
That's exactly how it will be I think.
I narrowed it down to the fact that it bothers me that I never got a real person you know,
I got scraps - if even that.
Even though I was in a position to get the best part.
I was supposed to get the best parts and I guess that's why you stick around longer than you might have wanted to, because you wait for your promotion in someones emotional life.
And then you never did, even though you really should have..like really really? If someone is great. You should have.
When they tell you things that make you believe you are on top of the stair but their actions tell you the difference and that's pretty unfair if you ask me.
And I only got scraps, I was the only one who got scraps
and instead of getting that promotion I worked so hard for months, I get emotionally fired instead.
I don't fail that's the thing.
I don't get D's on my tests, I'm stubborn and I don't give up
and I don't get emotionally fired from the bottom of the employee chart.
Screw emotions and love - This is a failure and I don't flipping fail and that is why I'm angry.
Fucking people, right?
So darkness I became,
Photos Mad Hatters Tea Party, Phoenix Park.
YOU MUST BE MAD
OTHERWISE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE COME HERE
Cause your smile is beautiful and it makes me happy.
Kate Nash seems to know a lot about love.
I remember once when I saw her live at a festival and ran away from my current boyfriend, planned to climb backstage to marry her.
Vodka does stupid things to you but sure as hell make you feel alive.
Kate Nash - Dickhead
Kate Nash - Kiss that grrrrl
Kate Nash - Foundations
Kate Nash - We get on
Kate Nash - Birds
Let's just say I'm fairly ambivalent at the moment.
My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our fondations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't
Actually I think I might keep the bottle to myself.
Maybe I'm just in this experiment to see how much I can take. It feels like it at least.
Or maybe life is once again just a bumpy road.
But then I read all 3 Hunger Game books that were amazing and you realise it could have been a LOT LOT worse.
Except Katniss is always surrounded by love.
I don't even knwo what I'm talking about.
Went to the gym and paniced about the fact about the weight I've gained. It's probably more in my head than it really is but it would be so much easier for me to go there if I didn't feel absolutely nautious all the time. ALL THE TIME for the past weeks.
I made sure I ate every day this week at work and I still feel like fainting when I stand up and when I went there I was so weak. I was at the gym 3 weeks ago and it was fine I don't know what happened today because it was ridiculous so weak I am today.
It's almost a year ago since I left China. A year. Since I have seen anyone from the school.
Strange. I have loads of pictures I want to upload but Mobile Broadband doesn't really work that well.
Ben Howard 02/03 2012 The Academy
Dear Skyping Dublin
Good news, my sister is planning to visit me in Dublin on her Easter-break and my dad wants to visit as well. Yeaaaah!
And I thought my sister looked so ghetto so I asked her to pose for me and now she will probably kill me.
Dear Dublin Tuesday
Thought taking up the blog could be a good thing or a bad thing or a decent thing to do so I will stop driving everyone around me fucking crazy.
Sitting in bed, giving candy-buying instructions to Dejana who's coming for a visit Thursday fresh from Sweden! YAY! I have great plans for the weekend for us 3. It involves alcohol and Burlesque dancers.
Thursday I also start my first real day at XBOX, where I have to sit by myself and take calls. Scary stuff. No more training.
Evelina is with her boyfriend Dave uuuuuuuuuuuuuh, I have chinese food in the oven. Return of the Jedi on paus and trying to tie myself to the bed not to call or text because I don't want to ruin it for myself. Ah silly out-of-control emotions what are they good for anyway?
I went to buy food in Iceland. Not Iceland Iceland but the store and me and Martina found these delicious meals: